August 13 - Sitting in Silence

People always talk about how important it is to incorporate silence into your day. And I understand a lot of the research into mindful meditation that show mental and emotional improvement from focused quiet time. From really intentionally being in the moment. But with my intrusive thoughts and anxiety, generic meditation, where you sit quietly for an amount of time, can send me into a spiral of anxiety and depression. And I know the idea is I observe my intrusive thought and I choose to let it go, but that's not how it plays out. When I try to release an intrusive thought, it is joined in a cacophony of other voices that loop and fixate. I find that every part of my body starts to itch or ache and the sensations become overwhelming. And worst of all, when I end the meditation session early because I'm so overwhelmed and over-stimulated, I feel like a failure. 

So recently I've been listening to guided meditations while I fall asleep. Just something that my brain can listen to that is outside of my head. And I just flop around to get comfortable whenever I feel like it. It's not quite the same as meditation, but I feel like that is where I am right now. Silence is tourtuous, and maybe one day with a lot of therapy I'll be able the sit mindfully, but right now, I need a little something less ridgid.