January 2019

January 23 - Struggling

The last few days have been a struggle. I know that, generally, when you hear the word struggle, you automatically think about obstacles or setbacks. But I'm taking about emotional or psychological struggles. I find these harder to deal with because with an external struggle, I can pull myself up and start making a plan on what to do next. I can keep going, I can change course, I can make changes. With emotional struggles, I often get overwhelmed. I just feel bad, and no amount of boot strap pulling is going to get me out of this. In fact I've found that the guilt and shame my brain starts pumping out makes the situation worse. 

Me: I'm struggling so, I can't even get out of bed. 

Brain: You're lazy and bad. Just get up!!!

Me: * doesn't get up* 

Repeat and scene. 

January 7 - My New Day

Today is the first day of the quarter. I am excited, but like always I've overcommitted myself and my new average day is a little crazy.

I'm still starting my day with writing. Just a quick 30 minute brain dump. Then I'm getting up to make lunches and to get ready. After I get that all together, I'm running to my office on campus. It's only about 3 miles away, so that helps my get my daily run in. I stashed a change of clothes and my work stuff on campus last night.  

I'm planning to put a couple hours of work in before I head to a class I'm taking. I then catch a bus to my day job office and work the rear of my shift there. On the days where I don't have the morning class, I leave my day job a little early to get to campus in time to teach my lab classes.

This next quarter is going to be exciting.


January 5 - Acceptance

Some time things seem to go wrong or not our way. This can be especially hard for me because I fixate on what went wrong and what I did wrong. One of my core values is Impermanence. It's not my core value because I've mastered it. I'm by no means free of clinging desperately to the things I can change and the things that have changed. It's my value, because I want to value it. I'm intentionally trying to improve my reaction to the thing out is my control. 

The first step to work towards Impermanence when things go wrong is simply acceptance. I have to step back, reconzie that this is the path I'm walking down now. If I try to fight it, I'll just prolong the suffering. Once you accept the path, then you can start to adapt. 

January 4 - Graditude

Gratitude is one of the most important things to do to improve your life. Just taking some time and thinking about and writing down a few things you are grateful for every day can really affect how content you are. The act of reconzining the positive things you have in your life can pull it all into focus. Most of us fixate on the negative things and that creates a world where only bad things seem to happen. But the reality is the world is what you make it. Your interpretation of what you experience are what makes you happy or sad or angry. 

I'm in no way saying that we don't need to change anything or try to make the world better. What I mean is you shape how the day to day annoyances and slights are interpreted. You decide on how you are going to react. Choose gratitude. Choose contentment. 

January 3 - Negativity

Negativity is all around us. From the people who honk at intersections to the co-worker that won’t stop complaining about their work load. We have to put up with angry, bitter, or just sad people all the time. If you are anything like me, it’s not even the external negativity that is the problem. It’s the internal voices and intrusive thoughts that can be overwhelming.

My intrusive thoughts and negativity is something that I struggle with everyday. I have a few methods of coping, but honestly, sometimes they are not enough.

  1. Cuddling/Physical Contact - Just having someone hold me tight when I’m not doing great usually helps, but that’s not really an option all the time.

  2. Music - Especially late at night, I’ll put in earphones and try to drown out the voices with music or podcasts.

  3. Movement - Going for a walk or run, deep stretching, or an exercise class, just getting my blood moving and stop being physically stagnant can push the intrusive thoughts along.